Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and she was petting her beer can
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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