Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
