My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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