i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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