Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
