Cold hands, warm shart.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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