Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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