I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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