I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
