Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
