capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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