If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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