In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
