Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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