My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
