I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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