Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will be naked everywhere
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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