and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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