Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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