i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
