So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
her vagine was all disorganized.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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