I faked an abortion last night.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
