Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
