my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You made out with two different species that night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Randomize
