hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
