He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
