He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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