I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
