what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
