I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
