He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
