I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
