I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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