New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
