and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
