i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
