i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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