but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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