I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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