come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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