If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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