just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
