So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize