Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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