I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
