There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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