my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize