Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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