I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize