I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
