ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
