you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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