My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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