this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just threw up on my dentist
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize