So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
