member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
