you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
