I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
