I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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