i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
