I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
