conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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