she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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