I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
