Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
