There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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