I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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