You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
