I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
