I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
