not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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