He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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