i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
