put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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