So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
