I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
