He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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