I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
