I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
