Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
